The Velvet Drain By Kain Vinosec A man by the name of Julian Maxwell walks down the street. He is attacked by a ninja with a baseball bat. It hurts him. He kills the ninja. Julian goes to a baseball game. He is hit by a baseball. It causes him to spill his drink. He kills the man that works daily for bad pay at the concession stand claiming “This was a new tie! You ruined my life!”. He then eats the baseball. Mr. Maxwell is seen riding a a large, white wooden roller coaster. He is scared. He wets his pants. After the roller coaster stops, he goes home. He finds his chainsaw and makes sure to fill it with gas. He changes his underpants but puts the same wet slacks back on. He goes back to the amusement park and cuts through fifteen of the support beams that hold up the third turn. He shuts the chainsaw off, stands back and watches with amazing bewilderment as the car comes down the hill, hits the first curve, climbs the next hill, shoots down and hits the second curve... It goes down another steep hill building up an incredibly high speed. When it hits the third curve the coaster continues around it as if there was no problem. Julian kills the ticket man at the gate with the chainsaw. The second coaster car hits the third curve, flies off the track and lands upside-down in a parking lot approximately two-hundred feet away. Maxwell smiles. The coaster's former occupants expel their bowels. Another day, another dollar. Julian goes to work. While at work he is sitting in a cubicle with no pictures of family on the wall. He is playing Pacman on his seven year old Mac. The game is lagging. He goes to his boss and tells him that there is something wrong with his computer and that he needs an upgrade. The boss tells him that he is stupid and that text documents do not require top performance computers. The budget can't afford it. Get out of my office. Julian leaves. He goes home and plays Pacman on his five year old PC. The game does not lag. Maxwell gets fired. Jules goes to the bad side of town to get a hooker. He has no money because he was fired from his job. He has sex with a girl. She asks for money. He leaves. She tells her pimp. Her pimp is on acid. He calls the cops as a joke. The cops take it seriously. Julian is arrested for thievery. He is in jail for two months, and gets out on good behavior. He is now gay and frequently enjoys dropping the soap as it brings back fond memories. Julian is working for a library now. He plays Pacman on their PCs. The game does not lag. A cute librarian works with Julian and admires him from across the shelves of Poe and Foxworthy. She talks to him about books and characters that make no sense to him because he does not read. He plays Pacman. She asks him if he ever wants to take a voyage to nowhere and he replies by shoving a pencil into her abdomen. She doesn't talk to Julian anymore. He does not work at the library anymore. He does not have a pencil anymore. PENCIL! Maxwell has a conversation with the Pope. “What is God?” “He is your Creator.” “Why?” “Because he made you. That's what a Creator does.” “I thought my mother made me with my father?” “They did, but God made them.” “YOU LIE! THEY HAD PARENTS!” Julian is not a religious man. The Pope is not an alive man. And Jules still does not have a pencil. There was a point in Julian's life where he felt like his temper was problematic. Then he got married. Then he beat his wife with a bottle of ink and stabbed her with the pen. Julian is divorced now. He does not have a pen and his ink has blood in it. He still feels angry. Julian met a man named John. John had killed a lot of people. Julian told John to go to hell. John went and stayed. Julian has powers of persuasion. Maxwell masturbates maliciously most masterfully meanwhile moderating money. Mmm. Julian has a conversation. “I have strong feelings for you.” “I like you too, but as a friend. I mean there was a time when I thought you and I... But I'm engaged Julian.” “You're not even really happy with him though. I could make you happier than you will ever be with him.” “I know, I know. But I owe him so much that I can't leave him now. He's too important to me.” “Aren't I important to you?” “You are, but we haven't even known each other that long.” “Long enough for me to fall in love with you.” “Julian...” “Give me a chance! I could be everything you've ever wanted in a man.” “I can't turn my back on him. I love him too Julian.” “Does that mean you love me?” “I have to go.” “Why? Stay with me.” “I can't. Please let me go.” “I'll hang on forever if I have to.” “Goodbye Julian.” “Goodbye.” Four years later, Julian became the man in the stories above and he finally gave up on her. Julian is every man. Maxwell is what every man becomes. Eventually the line between man and monster blur and the two warring personalities assimilate each other into one unified front. This is the act of washing down the velvet drain. It is all for love. All of the men in this story are you. Except the Pope. He's the fucking Pope. The End.