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By Kain Vinosec I am a music instructor. I teach the cello to privileged little brats whose parents make more money than any one person should. None of them give a damn about what I teach and only really learn enough to skate by. That's not really what I do though. I mean, that makes me food money, but to be perfectly honest I have another job that I do during my lunch breaks. I, am a soup-ah hero for one hour per day and on the weekends sometimes. My power is a pointless one which is why I don't really devote a lot of time to being a hero. I can make people's ears bleed by singing the Devil's interval (yes, that means my voice can produce two notes at the same time) at an unheard of frequency. For some reason I'm not affected by it, but my sonic powers seem to harm those that get in my way and it can have other beneficial uses when I get bored. Um, long story short: dogs hate me. My soup-ah hero name is “The Sonic Demon”. So far my cousin is the only one that knows my secret and I've spent more than enough time in my cousin's living room having her heal my wounds after getting my ass beat. Luckily she has no family and lives alone. Though it kinda sucks for her, it works out great for a worthlessly aspiring soup. Someday I hope to repay her for the exponential amount of kindness she has shown me in my efforts to chase my dreams both as a music teacher and as a soup. My costume is pretty much all white spandex. I look like a Power Ranger. Though I do have a nifty chest symbol that represents a musical staff with the tritone on it with B as the root note (that way, no sharps or flats). It's kinda gold and sparkly but I think it looks pretty neat. Though you may not be able to believe it, I do have an arch enemy. Her name is “The Deaf Avenger”. She's about as ugly as a fucking trilobite and as malnourished as the Olsen twins. She can't hear my attack what with being deaf and all, so she makes it a point to plan all her crimes for the times when she knows I'll be patrolling the town. It's weird too because my cousin is deaf and thin like that and she's not a soup-ah villain. I just don't get these skinny girls today. I'd swear they were all against me if not for my cousin's kind help. I want to mention one of my battles, not with The Deaf Avenger though. There will be plenty of time for her later. I have another enemy that I'm on more even ground with. His name is The Thin Nazi. I swear him and The Deaf Avenger would make a great couple if he didn't mind the sign language sex that I'm sure she's practiced thoroughly. I'd hate to see their kids though. The Thin Nazi's only real ability comes from the fact that he owns a tank. It's impenetrable by anything the city has so every time he runs a muck with it he pretty much gets away. It is also sound proof so my voice can't get into it. I've only stopped him once, and this is the story I want to share. I was out walking around by the bank in my costume practicing my singing, when I feel the ground start to shake. I looked up and saw the large German war machine coming straight down 6th street right towards me and the bank. I started telling everyone to get out of the way so they wouldn't get injured. The tank offended so many of this town's ethnically diverse citizens with it's large swastika painted on both sides and the turret painted to look like a giant uncircumcised penis as if screwing the town every time it penetrated the city limits. Luckily everyone managed to get out of the way and no one tried to do anything about it as with the soundproofing modifications the Nazi has made to the tank he can't hear anyone scream if someone gets hurt. He drove right past me and I just watched as I knew there was very little I could do. He drove the damn thing right through the wall of the building and straight into the vault without any problems whatsoever. I thought about calling someone to help me, but then I remembered that if he wanted to grab the money, he'd have to get out of the tank to get it! I ran in behind the tank and saw my opportunity. A small door on the font of the tank opened and a large metal claw protruded from within. It grabbed several large metal boxes filled with money or something and began dragging them inside the tank. I ran and slid around the side of the beast to climb into the money hold. The doors closed and I knew I'd be a welcome surprise to the Nazi when he got back to his hideout. Unfortunately there was very little air in there and I nearly got myself killed. He managed to drive that damn tank through like five more buildings for no reason, jumped it off a bridge... I mean, the guy is an ass. I got all jumbled and my air supply ran out from my heavy breathing that came from my injuries from the jostling. Luckily though I wasn't too badly injured, but attacking the Nazi when these doors opened would be a lot harder without any breath to sing the tritone. It was of total luck though that my enemy had no powers aside from just owning this tank. Hell I don't think he's even really a nazi. Just some pissed off school teacher maybe... At this point I was kinda worried about being late for class as we were no doubt gone for awhile. Finally though the tanked slowed and eventually stopped. My hole was a very dark place. As was this tank. Now though, the doors opened and my hole flooded with light. It practically blinded me. My only reaction was to jump out and attack. Amazingly enough it worked. I caught the Nazi alone and off his guard. We fought against each other for awhile. He wasn't even wearing a Nazi suit the lazy bastard. He was wearing sweatpants and a tank top! I mean for fuck's sake his hair was brown and long enough to be pulled back into a pony tail. What kind of Nazi looks like that!? Damn underachievers. My fist connected with his stomach to which his fist would connect with my face. My leg would connect with his leg to which his face would connect with the ground. Then his leg would connect with the back of my knee and my ass would connect with the side of his tank, then with the ground. It was a brutal battle. We rested on the ground like that for a good bit, which was surprisingly helpful as it allowed me time to catch my breath for my ultimate attack. He started to stand up again and I did much the same, using the tank for support. I looked around and noticed how horribly grungy his garage was. Like it had performed a fusion with a swamp and a redneck's barn. I swear there was a lone chicken running around. No reason. No reason at all. Madness. I inhaled sharply and let out my attack. It soared around the room and killed the chicken first. Thing just dropped dead. I swear. Then I saw the blood start spurting from his ears. He cried out in pain and fell on the ground in a silent fit of unconsciousness. It was quite an amazing feeling to know I had finally brought down the evil tyrant. I used his home phone to call the police. They came immediately and arrested his sorry ass. By the time I got back to town school had let out and I'd been fired. I didn't really care though. My true calling was now clearly obvious. I was born to be a Soup-Ah Hero and I was going to follow this destiny to the best of my abilities. I joined an alliance of other Soup-Ah Heroes that fight their battles with sound known only as S.P.A.N.K. (Sound Producing Action Nazi Killers). The Thin Nazi would escape from jail soon enough and continue his terrible reign of terrible. Um. Terror. That and The Deaf Avenger was still out there signing out some evil, maniacal feminine laugh at my efforts to thwart the fuck out of her slightly evil but more so neutral plans. Being a music teacher was at one point the happiest aspect of my life, but now my comrades at S.P.A.N.K. and the other Soup-Ah Heroes around the world need my formerly worthless talent to help stop evil from singing the tune of victory. I am The Sonic Demon, and I will not rest until my town, nae the WORLD is at peace and all the evil raping the hell out of our planet is stopped. So watch out you motherless mother fucking villain (and villainess) bastards and bitches out there! The Sonic Demon is singing you a dissonant funeral dirge. |